How to make a wedding right

A good ceremony is specially designed for the couple, and as much as possible BY the couple. It is my job to help you do that—to help you find the appropriate readings and to get the wording of the vows just right for you.

A celebrant with experience can take a lot of the stress out of it. This should be fun.

The following material is written to help design a marriage, and near the bottom of this page there are links to a draft wedding ceremony, and an alternative ceremony, and also a ceremony of commitment.

Planning a wedding can seem a daunting thing, and nothing I write which explains how it can be done will make it sound much easier. But I can guide you through it all.

Some good questions to ask yourselves as you decide what words you want in this ceremony are:

Why are we getting married?

What is it that each of us most appreciates in the other.

For us, what are the most important things in the world? What are our core values?

What is the most special thing about our relationship?

What would we like to be able to say about our relationship as we look back on it, say in forty years time?

It is worth spending some time thinking about answers to those questions, because the answers can help us shape the best possible ceremony for you.

Remember, there are only two compulsory elements to a legally binding marriage ceremony. There must be the exchange of declarations such as “I, John Citizen, take you, Mary Peoples, to be my legal wife.” And the documents must be signed.

Two questions to think about early on are how formal the ceremony will be and where it is to be held.

MUSIC

Then there is music—it is often through musical taste that people express their individuality in their ceremonies. There is no attempt to list possibilities here but you can find a range of suggestions for wedding music at The Knot and The Ultimate Internet Wedding Guide

BEGINNING

You will need to think about how the ceremony will begin.

The most usual pattern at a wedding is for the groom and the best man (and any other supporters of the groom) to be standing at the front and slightly to the right from the perspective of the gathering (which they more or less face). The bridal party arrives to suitable music and the gathering stands. The bride comes forward with her father (and often now her mother, too), usually led by her bridesmaids or supporters. The bride stands beside the groom (to the left from the perspective of the gathering). Nobody need worry about this because the celebrant will make sure everyone is appropriately positioned on the day.

The bride’s father simply slips away to sit down in a front seat.

By now the bride and the groom and their supporters are positioned to more or less face the gathering, but in a way that they can also look at each other.

However, there is no reason that things must be like that, and these days, for example, the couple often arrives together.

Another way is for the two parties to the ceremony to arrive from different directions at the same time, perhaps through different doors, and with their supporters, meeting at the place of the ceremony.

And in less formal ceremonies at a restaurant or at home, the ceremony might begin with everyone including the couple mingling and chatting; the celebrant then announces that proceedings are about to commence and asks the couple and their supporters to stand together beside him.

Sometimes when the group is small the whole gathering stands in a circle.

TWELVE STEPS IN A CEREMONY

One twelve-step order for a marriage ceremony is as follows—but you are free to change the order of things—and almost anything can be left out.

When everyone is in place I generally say a few words of introduction, talking a little of what the ceremony means to you.

Then there may be a piece of music or one or two readings, which may reflect and explain to your friends and families something of your views about love and marriage, and might be read by people important to you. I have four well-tested Marriage readings here, and also links to sites with enormous numbers of possibilities.

Then, very often, you get to say the traditional “I do”. That’s a preliminary statement that you intend to go ahead with a binding commitment.

Traditionally after that the “banns” were read at a marriage—the priest asked if anyone objected to it. These days it is more usual to ask the gathering to show their support for your relationship.

Then it can be good to include any children in the ceremony, indicating their acceptance of your partnership. Sometimes there is an exchange of public declarations about the kind of relationship sought between stepparent and stepchild.

The core of the ceremony is the vows. These must be right for you. There is no reason why the vows should be identical for each of you.

After the vows, rings are usually exchanged.

And then there may be some ritual of connection and completion, sometimes taken from your own cultural backgrounds. This might involve trying you together with threads, or your lighting a candle together, or drinking from the same goblet, or breaking a glass.

And then, in a modern wedding ceremony the documents are usually signed (although traditionally this used to be done in private in the vestry right at the end of the ceremony). You will want to think of some music to be played during this phase. There are two copies of the marriage certificate to be signed—by the bride, the groom, two witnesses and the celebrant. (Often the witnesses are the best man and the senior bridesmaid.)

After the signing you and your supporters gather together again in front, facing the gathering, and I as celebrant declare you married.

If necessary I will give you permission to kiss.

In more formal ceremonies you will depart together followed by your supporters, accompanied by appropriate music. In less formal situations often I will simply say: “There will now be a chance for you to congratulate the couple.” And everyone mingles.

There is a draft wedding ceremony here, an alternative ceremony here, and a draft ceremony of commitment here.

Other wedding-related sites:

Capital Weddings Guide

Folksong Index (Airs, Anthems, Ballads, Canons, Ditties, Folksongs, Hymns and War Songs)

Registrar of Births Deaths and Marriages (New Zealand). You can get the form to apply for a marriage license here.