Hourouring Our Pioneers

Honouring our pioneers

[This review was published in the Celebrants Association of New Zealand (Inc) Newsletter, v 1 n 3, 4 December 2000.]

Book review: Malcouronne, Brian, Honouring Our Loved Ones: Notes and resources for funeral celebrants, families and friends. (Purchase from Grassmere Bequest Fund, P O Box 60-500, Titirangi, New Zealand. $20 plus postage and packaging $2.)

Brian Malcouronne, the author of this book, died shortly after its publication. He had spent some thirty years as a Methodist minister and ten years also performing life-centred non-religious funeral services in the Auckland area. This book is one of the fruits of his experience.

There are a few books every celebrant needs to keep within reach of their PC. For anyone who does funerals, this is one of them.

There are in fact very few books with this scope—overall “how-to” books, which cover the whole process of designing a funeral. The first thirty-five pages is a crisp survey of what funerals are for, how they can address feelings and strengthen memories, difficulties posed (both petty and profound), and the key philosophical, religious and professional questions raised in funeral celebrancy. This is followed by eighty pages of resources: introductions, readings, prayers, committals and conclusions.

For hundreds of years, under the guidance of the churches, individuals were forgotten in their own funerals. Today we are redressing the balance. A good celebrant makes each funeral a unique ceremony crafted for an individual situation and centring on memories of the person who has died, and it is in this understanding that Brian Malcouronne’s book is compiled. But he also understood death is significant not only as a unique individual experience, but also as a universal experience, and that a funeral that does not address the universal dimension of death is incomplete. It is no secret that we celebrants recycle passages that speak to many situations. A book like this cannot do away with the hard work of building a picture of the individual who has died, but it is an invaluable source for those recyclable words that speak to the recurring parts of experience of death—often the secular equivalent of liturgy.

Inevitably we adapt from traditional church services and borrow from one another. It is a testament to the unselfishness of pioneer funeral celebrants like Marian Barnes and Brian Malcouronne in Auckland, and Rod Murphy in Wellington that they have been happy to guide, counsel and support newer people in the field, and have allowed us to borrow from passages they have written. They have not only given their help and some of their words, but have added a great deal to the culture of bereavement, and built the foundations of the funeral side of the profession of celebrancy. We are unlikely to acknowledge them in the course of a funeral (though I hope we try to note the sources in any written version of the funeral we give to clients), but they certainly deserve our recognition as those who went ahead.

There are pieces of unknown origin passed by celebrants from hand to hand and used all over New Zealand. That seems fine to me, and it certainly gives me a feeling of warmth when sometimes I see phrases and passages in the funerals of other celebrants in which I had a hand myself. These must be words that speak to many people in many situations. But in the case of passages of any length it would be good to know and acknowledge the original writer.

There were two in particular which jumped out at me from this book, which Brian, who clearly made real efforts about sources, was apparently unable to trace.

In the presence of death
we stand awkward, and ill at ease;
For death is a well-known stranger
whom we recognise, but do not wish to know;
But death is not a thing in itself,
but a stage in the journey of life,
through which all must pass.
It may come swiftly
and catch us unawares,
or slowly with leaden feet;
But death comes to all who live,
and in so doing heightens the understanding
of the one we know.

Many celebrants find that useful. It was originally written by Rodney Murphy, and appears in an unpublished 1990 manuscript of his.

And there is a widespread form of ending:

In grief at his/her death, but in gratitude for his/her life, today family and friends have gathered to say a final farewell, to ………… and to thank him/her for the privilege of being numbered among those who grieve.

If you who knew … can profit from his/her example, if you can learn something from his/her mistakes [Brian—perhaps characteristically—omits the learning-from-mistakes clause], if you can try to live a little better for having known him/her then, through you, … will have a continuing stake in making the world into a better and a happier place.

May you find comfort, richness and example in your many memories. May you find strength and support in your love for one another, and may you find peace in your hearts.

I often use a passage very like this as a kind of dismissal after the committal, and when I read it in Brian’s book I started wondering what my original source was. It turns out to be Marian Barnes’ more secular book, now unfortunately out of print, Down to Earth: The changing funeral needs of a changing society, Benton-Guy, Auckland, 1991, p 146.

Any book like Honouring Our Loved Ones is marked by its author’s background, philosophy and tastes. Brian Malcouronne’s religious background, his strong spiritual belief, and his enjoyment of nature metaphors mark this one. But this is a book that has something for everyone, and something for every funeral occasion. It is, indeed, a book you need to get.