How to make a funeral right
It’s my job to support the choices made by the people who the funeral is for. That means I support the choices of the person who has died, which are not always easy to discern, and the choices of those they leave behind. I’ve done a large number of funeral ceremonies, and I have suggestions and advice which can be given. But the decisions are yours.
The story of the person who has died should usually be the central part of a funeral. A good funeral talks about what the person did, how they enjoyed themselves, where they lived and worked, what sort of person they were, what sort of humour they liked, what their peculiarities were and their strengths.
My funerals usually centre on the idea that we continue to be linked to people and can even have a new kind of relationship with them after their deaths, through memories we have of them.
There is a Draft funeral service here, designed to be changed to meet the needs of individual people.
It is for you to decide how formal the ceremony is, and how much religious or spiritual content is right. A celebration can be perfectly dignified and right with none at all, and many people chose a celebrant rather than a minister or priest precisely because they do not want any religion. Other people make this choice because they don’t want to be confined to the limitations of a particular church. Perhaps they want one or two traditional prayers, or perhaps nothing which seems traditional but a sense of spirituality or continuing life.
A funeral is a personal thing. A photo on the casket can be good—or ballet shoes, or a football, or a gardening fork, depending on the interests of the person who has died.
Usually I begin with a short introduction, and then members of the family and friends say a few words. It’s advisable to prepare contributions in writing. Those who don’t feel able to speak might like to write something that I can read, or perhaps a member of the family or a friend.
It’s OK if it is not possible for anyone to speak because I will prepare something that tells the story of the person’s life and character, after I’ve met with the immediate family, and also talked to other family members and friends by telephone.
Although talk about the life of the person who has died is central, we can have whatever Funeral readings, poetry, music, prayer, hymns or silence seem right.
Often it is good to have a time in the service with some music in the background, when people can come forward to the casket to put a flower on it.
The service usually ends with a few formal words of committal, and then the curtains close on the casket, or it is carried out to the hearse. There may be a brief committal service at the graveside or the crematorium.
The funeral will probably be between thirty and fifty minutes long, depending on the choices you make. Here is a draft.
Every funeral is unusual, but sometimes people are more shocked or bewildered than usual, or at more at a loss to know what to do. I have included here some notes on Difficult things at a funeral, which includes a passage that I used in the funeral of a family connection who died after living with Alzheimer’s disease for a long time. Perhaps the person who has died has been very isolated, ill or demented for a long time. Perhaps there are conflicts in the family, which seem to complicate things. Perhaps the death comes without warning, whether through illness, accident, drug overdose or suicide. I discussed such matters, and also the development of non-church funerals in New Zealand, in a speech to a conference of celebrants, Changing world, changing funerals, available here.
You might like to look at sections of funerals I have done, such as
It is always possible to find a way to steer through the funeral, to survive it, and eventually to recover (even if the hurt seems impossible). The right service is a huge step along the way forward, and a good celebrant can be a valuable ally in these few days.
© Bill Logan 2001