Commitment

Ceremonies of commitment

When marriage doesn’t suit, for legal reasons or because of the kind of institution it is, a ceremony of commitment may be what you want. It is often quite like a marriage ceremony—so this follows quite closely the recipe for planning a wedding.

Ask yourselves as you decide what words you want in this ceremony:

Why are we having this ceremony?
What is it that each of us appreciates in the other?
What are the most important things in the world? What are our core values?
What is the most special thing about our relationship?
What would we like to be able to say about our relationship as we look back on it, say in twenty years time?

Spend some time thinking about answers to those questions, because the answers can help shape the best possible ceremony for you.

Some other questions can be helpful in planning are:

To what extent do you want the ceremony to be religious, and in what ways?
About how many people will be at the ceremony?
How formal do you want the ceremony to be?
Where will it be held?
What musical elements appeal to you as fitting the ceremony?
Which friends and members of the families should be given special roles in the ceremony?

You will want to consider how the ceremony will begin. Some possible options are

For something more highly ritualised: the gathering will be settled, and then you will arrive at the same time, but from different directions with your respective supporters
In many cases the gathering is already settled and the couple then arrive together, with or without supporters
Or for a more informal ceremony everyone including the couple is gathered and socialising. The celebrant then announces the ceremony is about to begin, and the couple move to the front with guests gathering around them.

Then:

When everyone is in place I generally say a few words of introduction, talking a little of what the ceremony means to you, and perhaps something of the history of your relationship.
Then there may be a piece of music, or one or two readings that may reflect and explain to your friends and families something of your views about love and relationship, and might be read by people important to you.
Then there may be an opportunity for friends to declare their support for the partnership.
The core of the ceremony is the vows. These must be right for you. There is no reason why the vows should be identical for each of you.
After the vows there may be an exchange of rings or gifts between the couple.
And then there may be some ritual of connection and completion, sometimes taken from your own cultural backgrounds. This might involve trying you together with threads, or your lighting a candle together, or drinking from the same goblet, or breaking a glass.
Then the celebrant may formally declare on behalf of the gathering its recognition of your relationship and best wishes for the future.

Draft ceremony of commitment

The following draft is prepared with the idea that you will change it, personalise it, add to it and cut it down. If you want to discuss any aspect of a ceremony you want me to facilitate, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Celebrant:

We are here as the family and friends of Names to celebrate their partnership, to hear their vows, and to mark their commitment to each other.

This is a serious occasion. Such a public declaration of commitment is not to be entered into lightly, but only after serious thought. It requires sincerity, honesty and mutual respect.

But although this is a solemn occasion, it is also an occasion of joy, because it is an expression of love, optimism, and life.

This is not the beginning of Names relationship. [You might want me to tell something of the story of your relationship.]

Names have been important in each other’s lives for some time. But this ceremony does mark an important point for them, and for their hope and ours that their partnership will go on in growth over the coming years—that it will endure and become even stronger over time.

Nobody would pretend that such a ceremony will put an end to problems. No partnership is without troubles. But this ceremony marks Names' commitment to face problems, to attempt to solve problem, and to rise above them. It is a commitment to try to do no wrongs to each other, but also a commitment to try to forgive the wrongs that are done.

Names seek a relationship in which … [fill in what you want your partnership to be, or adapt the following list.]

companionship, help, support, encouragement, love and comfort is given and received.

they trust one another, love one another, and share their joys and their sorrows and their plans, their home and their future.

they are a partnership, but their independence and individuality is not dissolved; they seek both to be interdependent and independent, maintaining their separate friends and opinions and ambitions.

they are fully and exclusively committed to each other.

they share the mutual intention and hope that their relationship shall last for life.

[Of course this introduction may not only be cut or changed, but also personalised in any way you choose. Perhaps you would like some reflection on the importance of love. This might be the time to mention those who cannot be here.

[After such an introduction you may like to have readings, poetry, or a hymn or other song, to reflect and explain to your friends and families something of your views about love and relationships.

[Then there can be a time when parents, family and friends explicitly acknowledge their support for the relationship.]

Celebrant:

You have all gathered here as the friends and family of Names to witness this exchange of vows.

If you commit yourselves to do all in your power to support this relationship now and in the years ahead, then would you please now respond by saying, "We do"?

The gathering:

We do.

[If the parties to the ceremony have children, they might publicly affirm their support for the relationship at this point. Sometimes it is helpful with teenage children to have an exchange of declarations between the children and their new stepparent.

[And then we might have the vows. The vows must be right for you. They are not necessarily the same for each party. Usually they will be considerably shorter than the following.]

First Name, following celebrant:

I, Full Name of the First,
take you, Full Name of the Second,
call upon our families and friends gathered here
to witness that I love you.
I am committed to our partnership

I promise to be your lover, companion and friend,
Your ally in conflict,
Your student and teacher
Your comrade in adventure,
Your consolation in disappointment
Your accomplice in mischief
Your strength in your need

I seek to share with you
a relationship of love
and humour and tenderness

I will always try to be open and honest with you
I will share my life
and my worldly possessions
and my thoughts and feelings with you

I will help you fulfil your needs
I will allow you to be yourself
I will rejoice in your growth

I will stand by you through our futures together
respecting you
supporting you
and enjoying you

Second Name, following celebrant.

I, Full Name of the Second,
take you, Full Name of the First,
call upon our families and friends gathered here
to witness that I love you.

I am committed to our partnership
I promise to be your lover, companion and friend,
In good times and bad—
Your ally in conflict,
Your student and teacher
Your comrade in adventure,
Your consolation in disappointment
Your accomplice in mischief
Your strength in your need

I seek to share with you
a relationship of love
and humour and tenderness

I will always try to be open and honest with you
I will share my life
and my worldly possessions
and my thoughts and feelings with you

I will help you fulfil your needs
I will allow you to be yourself
I will rejoice in your growth
I will stand by you through our futures together
respecting you
supporting you
and enjoying you

[Then there may be a ceremonial exchange of rings or gifts, and any other ceremony of union and commitment, such as drinking from a glass or lighting a candle together.]

Celebrant:

Please stand. [If the gathering has been seated.]

Names, you have freely expressed your commitment to your partnership. Your family and friends have expressed their support. You have made solemn vows to one another.

May your love deepen and grow through all the tests and joys that life has to offer you.

On behalf of this gathering I now declare our formal recognition of your partnership.

[And then if necessary the celebrant will give the couple permission to kiss.]

[The couple may then move in procession with their supporters out of the ceremony, or otherwise the celebrant will say]

There will now be a chance for you to congratulate the couple.

[And everyone mingles.]